Anorexic to Age Group Triathlete

GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION JUST TO BREATHE!

Sometimes we just need to cut ourselves some slack and learn how to breathe whilst allowing our bodies and mind to do their thing. In the last couple of weeks I haven’t had the easiest time physically and mentally as I have had to face the fact that as someone who was abused at times events can trigger me and send me into a bit of a spiral. I am so blessed that Sarah knows me so well and is there to help me keep moving forward, reassuring me that I am okay even when I struggle with flashbacks. I can tell you that she gives the BEST HUGS and understands that in times like this I struggle to stay on top of my food and training; my default is to overtrain and under eat as my appetite disappears.

I must be honest I am so grateful that the next race is just over a week away as I am just recovering from another bout of tonsilitis which has left me feeling tired and all out of sorts. The joys of being self-employed means that I can’t just run away and hide until I feel better, but I need to continue to work and face people even though at times it’s the complete opposite of what I want to do.

One thing I do know is that I am blessed by a few friends that I don’t have to be anyone different with as they accept me no matter how they find me. True friendship means standing beside someone through the highs and lows and allowing them to be themselves with no judgement. One of my friends rocked up to mine on Friday for a cuppa with some flowers that just said ‘I am here’ and another made sure that I didn’t push it training when not feeling A1. I have realised that it’s okay for Charlie to not always wear a mask and that letting it down is scary but empowering at the same time.

I have known Sarah for 12 years now and looking back I loved her early on as she saw the real me from the very beginning and I was honest from the outset about how I was really doing. That is massive for someone who has trust issues and in the last year or so I have begun to realise that I have other people who I can also be real with and that they won’t get fed up and walk away as others have done previously when I have struggled. When I was with Barry I lost count of those that walked away as they didn’t want to get involved and instead pulled back and left me trapped. The same people when I finally left him tried to come back into my life; needless to say trust was broken and I was hurt so they remained at arm’s length. It has taken me years to trust again and at times it’s really hard and I choose to shut down rather than open up. Sarah can often see me shutting down before I do and she has the ability to help me come back out of myself.

Each of us has a choice in the tough moments to either resort to our old default coping mechanisms or to embrace a new way even if it is uncomfortable. Interestingly enough this week I stumbled on this quote  - ‘If you don’t like where you are, MOVE. You are not a tree’! So often we find ourselves stuck in a rut and we need to remind ourselves that we have the ability to change if we want to. It’s our choice to remain stuck or move forward. Staying where we are can be hard and so can moving forward - we just need to choose our HARD! No one said change was easy but on the other side of it we often find a stronger us.

This week I was challenged by a friend to take time each stay to write down the things that I have achieved each day and that I can be proud of. I have to admit that initially I was sceptical about the benefit of this but I decided to try it anyway as I had nothing to lose. They don’t have to be big things, but things that mean something to you. So here are a few of mine –

I took time out to breathe and be honest with what I needed.

I chose a walk with Sarah after Church rather than a longer walk on my own and beat the battle of the rings.

I delivered two banging classes even though I had tonsilitis.

I realised I needed to eat more.

When I read these back it was empowering as I realised that amid the storm I was continuing to move forward and make choices that my future self will benefit from. I also realised that I had achieved an awful lot this week and had so much to be grateful for. As a Christian I could look back and see Gods hand in the week and realised that I WILL ALWAYS BE HELD BY HIM, which is awesome!

So this week I want to encourage you to look forward not back, to look at what you can do to help your future self and to know that even when it’s a struggle you are doing okay, you are not going to sink as you are stronger and braver than you think! Take time to be grateful for what you have, to celebrate the small wins and recognise that, ‘YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!