Anorexic to GBR Age Group Athlete

Woman Down

So this week I have been struck down with tonsilitis and have had to take time out to get well and let the pills kick in. For me looking after myself is NOT EASY, not training and hitting the rings is HARD, pulling back from the business is STRESSFUL and eating is near on IMPOSSIBLE!

I said I would be back more honest than before, so laying all my cards on the table I have to say that this week emotionally, mentally and physically has been a real challenge. Realising that my normal way to control anxiety and stay strong has been taken away from me as I haven’t been able to train and zone out has been incredibly difficult and overwhelming. Eating has been a struggle and hand on heart I know I haven’t fuelled properly, but I have done my BEST.

As I write this I am still unwell, but much better than I have been and I am very grateful that today is a short day as I am tired and looking forward to taking the mask off and just being me. I have stuck to plan and completed a gentle training session as well as forcing some breakfast inside of me. Logical Charlie knows that this is imperative to get well quickly, that my body needs not to pushed and needs fuel to repair itself. Illogical Charlie is in a world of pain right now, convinced that suddenly she will lose all her fitness, gain weight and self-combust!

I am having to force myself to listen to the logic Charlie as well as the wise words from my wife and friends. They are such an awesome support crew who keep reminding me that it’s going to be okay, the world isn’t going to end and this is just for a short period of time. They have even made sure that they have joined me in training and walking to prevent me from overtraining and as I am a rubbish liar I have stuck to plan even though it’s been hard. One thing I will not do is lie about what I am doing as that is dangerous territory, plus thanks to my apple watch my wife can see all my activity and I have made myself accountable to one of my friends so they know exactly what I am eating.

I have learnt a few thing this week though -

1. There is only one of me and I deserve being looked after.

2. Taking a day off work isn’t failing it’s about recognising that I am worth taking care of.

3. As hard as not training hard is it’s the only way to get well.

4. The world isn’t going to end just because I take time out.

5. Clients will still be there and my business will not fall apart!

6. I need my wife and friends to support me and being honest about my struggles doesn’t make them think of me any less, it just makes me human!

The good thing is I am being honest with myself and sitting with where I am currently at. It isn’t comfortable and it is scary to admit that not having all together is okay. Life has its twist and turns; it ups and downs and often when we start to confront the stuff that we struggle with it can become worse before it gets better.

As a business woman and triathlete I know how important game face is and a strong head game, but as a wife and friend I equally know how important it is to be honest about where I am at, the two work in tandem. We all have masks that we wear in different situations whether we wear them consciously or unconsciously, this is how we get through life. It is imperative though that we don’t allow them to stop us from feeling and being honest about WHO we are with those that we are closest too.

It is so easy to spiral into old habits and mindsets when we are not well, when life throws us curveballs and that is okay if we don’t allow them to take hold. We spend too much time beating ourselves up for failing when we need to congratulate ourselves for not going under and for keeping our head above the water. It is amazing how some of our old and current habits even if they are not the best are the very things that have kept us alive and moving forward.

In my previous marriage I was abused and for me training became the only place where I was free to be me and a place of safety. When I lost everything training was the one place that I felt okay and I had space to breathe. In the same way food was only thing that I felt in control of when everything else was spiralling and out of kilter it was my security blanket. I am beginning to realise that in many ways it has helped me to survive and be the person I am now. In the same vein though it can be destructive and a path that if followed will cause me to lose WHO I am now, a business woman, athlete, wife and friend.

So for now I am going to take time to breathe, allow myself to acknowledge that being unwell sucks and has contributed massively to my behaviour this week. However this too will pass and I am not going to beat myself up, but keep taking it step by step and get back on track when I am fighting FIT!

BRING IT ON!!