Anorexic to GBR age group triathlete

This mountain will be scaled!

Sometimes the mountain in front of us seems insurmountable and the task in hand can be overwhelming. It is easy to get disillusioned, frustrated and so anxious to move forward that instead we find ourselves rooted to the spot unable to move anywhere. I have certainly been feeling like this in recent weeks but in Church on Sunday I had a moment where I just knew that ‘this too will pass’ and ‘I will come out stronger and whole on the other side of this!’ I realised that my past doesn’t have to define my future – I get to write the next part of the story!

I am as guilty as the next person of wanting to click my fingers and for everything to be okay rather than allowing myself to walk through the emotions and feel them rather than fighting them. My coping mechanism is to shut down, restrict food and train like a nutter instead of learning to sit where I am at and take time to just BE! I am my worst critic but this week I am consciously deciding to cut myself some slack and allow myself to breathe.

Sarah and I were chatting this week about how we both react differently to stress - we are polar opposites; she will eat and I will stop eating. Both are equally damaging and ultimately exacerbate the situation rather than solving it and lead to a circle of guilt. The question is; ‘How do you change your habits?’

I wish there was a simple answer but there isn’t, it takes work and you have to be prepared to face your demons head on. You must start to make decisions as an act of will and push through the hard to start to make a change. At the same time it is important to recognise that you can’t change everything at once! Rome wasn’t built in a day and overcoming habits takes time and effort  

For me race season starts in 4 weeks and I am beginning to feel the race head kick in but I am aware that although my training is going well my fuelling not so much. Some days are better than others but I am learning to count the small wins. The nagging voice to HIT my exercise rings at times is loud and deafening but I am trying to focus on WHY I am training to absolutely nail this season rather than being held captive to the amount of calories I burn on a daily basis. 

At the same time I am still trying to juggle a business that is in a period of change alongside my training schedule and downtime. I would like to say that I have cracked it but what I have started to do this week is look up not down. I have surrounded myself with friends that are joy givers and had frank conversations with my wife about the battle I am in and pushed into my faith. I am consciously deciding to take a step back and breathe before I react as well as counting my wins not my failings. On Friday I had a word with myself because quite frankly I was depressing myself! Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a kick up the backside and choose to see the positives!

Did I still get upset on Saturday when I hit a snag before teaching spin? Did I have a moment when Sarah was unwell and I just wanted to be home with her and not at work? Did I have a slight struggle on Sunday when I couldn’t walk as long as I wanted to? Yes I did, but I picked myself up, dusted myself down and pushed through. I reminded myself that I was WORTH being HAPPY and I actually deserve to have FUN!

Sometimes the waves keep coming and we feel like we are drowning, I have felt like that in the last few weeks. However - no matter how much we feel out of our depth we have a choice to go under or reach out to our friends to help us beat the waves. Together we are always stronger and with a good support crew we can defeat the biggest waves. It doesn’t mean that our problems will just go away but it does give us the strength to overcome them!

I am personally believing for breakthrough, that I will scale the mountain and I will BE FREE of the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough, that the only way to survive is to deprive myself! I am choosing to change my dialogue because I have GOT THIS!

So no matter what the storm you are facing or mountain you have to scale, know that YOU CAN DO IT!