Anorexic to GBR athlete

Ending the season on a high!

Well, it’s been an interesting couple of weeks full of highs and lows. At times I have had moments where everything has felt too much. Work, training, competing and daily life has felt like an uphill battle and I have wanted to run away and hide. To be honest I think we all have moments like that if we are real with ourselves and that is okay.

Last week I met up with a friend, who knows me well and I trust that I can be me with without any judgement. All it took was one hug and I was a wreck – this is defo not normal Charlie behaviour! I tend to wear a mask very well! Although on reflection letting the guard down and hitting the bottom was what I needed to move forward. I am learning slowly that keeping strong all the time isn’t healthy and that allowing ourselves to face our emotions is a sign of strength not weakness. I also realise that at times my default is to shut down on Sarah to protect her which ultimately makes her feel insecure but by pulling myself up when I do this and staying open makes us stronger.

Time wise having a meltdown days before a big race isn’t ideal and I was worried that the race head wouldn’t kick in but it did. I am not going to lie it was a close call but the competitor in me finally rose up and was up for the challenge.

Sarah and I travelled down to Bournemouth on Friday night, splitting the journey up by staying in Basingstoke. The journey was horrendous and took nearly 6 hours! I haven’t been so relieved to check in to a hotel and pour out a glass of wine for a long time. (We won’t mention the tunnel we had to go through that got lower as we drove through it and resulted in a little bit of damage to my aero bars and drinks carrier on my bike – it could have been much worse but Sarah clocked it, which was a huge relief!)

Friday night we both just chilled, chatted and watched a film. It was one of those rare moments where there was nothing to do but to chill and make time for each other. I am realising that we live life at 100 mph so these times at few and far between – something we are working on changing. Personally, I struggle to relax unless I have hit the exercise rings, sorted the world out and have given myself space to breathe, this I am working on as a times Sarah misses out on the best of me as I am too wired!

Saturday morning neither of us woke till after 9, which was bliss as I am used to being up and at work by 8am at a weekend and after Sarah working all last weekend we both needed the rest. It was lovely to wake up  without any anxiety or a big agenda, just the knowledge that we needed to get to Bournemouth for 3ish so I could register for Sundays race.

We arrived in Bournemouth not in the wind and rain that we were expecting but in the sunshine, a blessing indeed and got checked into our apartment nearly 3 hours early thanks to a very kind host who allowed us to do this. It was lovely, way better than we expected, clean, homely and bigger than we thought. It had everything we needed plus a welcome hamper containing haribo which is always a win with me.

Now here is when stress head Charlie appears, Sarah unpacked and chilled. I in the meantime went through my race kit for the 100^th time and was rushing to get out to explore and eat. This is where I need to learn just to BE as so often I miss out on the little things, like just enjoying some peace and space.

We did eventually go out and discovered we were literally two mins from the start of the race and we discovered the zig zags that I would have to run up from the swim to transition for the bike leg - if you know Bournemouth you can fully appreciate the joy this instilled in me, NOT! This is the point that reality kicks in and the race head begins to get into gear and the anxiety levels start to rise! You see everyone else sees that I am good enough to compete and qualify in a strong field but I still feel like an imposter.

Let’s scroll forward to race morning and the rabbit in head lights that is me! As much as I try to stay calm and smile I struggle - I think the morning was summed up by the text I received from Sarah whilst setting up, it said ‘ CALM DOWN’ ! In that moment all I could think was I really need the toilet, I need to rack, I need to breathe, I need to remember that I have this, I need to stay focused and literally look at the waves in the sea and use them to calm me. I don’t mean to look so stern, I suppose it’s just my anxiety flaring up!

Waiting to start the swim is always the worst and often the longest three mins ever, as I looked out to the sea there is this moment that says, ‘You can do this!’ Then the gun goes and race head kicks in, from that moment out there is a constant chatter in my head encouraging me to be my best, to dig in, to focus and to know that I am strong not weak, I also feel FREE ! I knew I had had a good swim and was flying in the bike until I came across a tractor which meant several athletes behind me caught me up. As I came into transition this is where the positivity head had to kick in to remind me that I can do the run, that I maybe not be as quick as the other girls but I can hold my own.

To be honest the run was a proper mind battle and I had come to peace with myself that I hadn’t qualified but I had given all I had and that today that was enough. For once I didn’t feel like I had failed in that moment as I knew I had given all of me and that’s all that anyone asks for. As I crossed the line I felt sick and everything hurt but I was happy.

As I rounded the corner off the beach Sarah was standing there with a smile on her face and as I uttered the words, ‘I haven’t qualified’, she replied with, ‘Oh you have!’. In disbelief I looked at her and quickly got out my phone to check that we had it right and that I was 4^th in my age group – which means automatic qualification for the European Sprint team next year. I was completely overwhelmed and in that moment all the tension went and I felt good enough and proud of me.

Heading back into transition I had a moment talking to the other girls when I realised I fitted in. In 2021 at my first qualifier these girls were a league above me and I simply wasn’t good enough. It was a special light bulb moment where I knew all my hard work had paid off, the early mornings really counted for something, the hard training sessions had paid off and for once I realised I am one of the big guns! I also unlike these girls don’t have a coach so I knew that where I am now is solely down to me and my training plan.

Since qualifying I am still overwhelmed, I am still finding it hard as I ache and can’t train as hard as I want too and eating still isn’t easy, but I am okay with that. I am trying to sit with the fact that I HAVE SMASHED this season and THE BEST IS YET TO COME! With the final race coming on Saturday, I am so looking forward to competing alongside my friends and wifey. We ALL get a medal and we all get to experience our first even evening triathlon complete with illuminations. WE ARE GOING TO END THE SEASON WITH A BANG and I AM WORKING ON BELIEVING IN ME!