Anorexic to GBR Triathlete

It’s okay to not be okay!

So, let me start this week’s blog firstly apologising for the radio silence last week, but I was exhausted and have needed time to breathe following a rather stressful race which knocked me to my core. I am still struggling to get my head together and as always, I will be open and honest with you - as in doing so I hope that I will help others.

As promised though in my last blog I will begin by sharing the message that my Wifey left me before she went away and pre Dorney Lake Race –

Charlie

I’m hoping you won’t look at this until next week when I’m away….

I wanted to send you a little note to remind YOU that all you ever have to be is YOU. YOU are enough. To me, you are more than enough – you’re everything!!

As you prepare this week, prepare WELL. Mentally – JUST remember it’s JUST another race – that’s all. All anyone will ever ask of you is to do your best. Secondly, prepare well physically. Train WELL and SMART, make sure your nutrition is ON POINT. Taper WISELY. Emotionally, just remember that though there are some roads between you and I this week that’s all that is between us! And thank GOD we have facetime and WhatsApp and stuff and we can stay in constant contact!

Lastly, the thing that WILL hold all this preparation together for you is your FAITH. Hold FAST. Listen to your music and let it feed your soul. Pray, read, stay close to God. HE WILL HOLD YOU AND HE WILL HOLD ME. He holds it altogether and although we think the timing is lousy, He ALWAYS knows what He is doing and HE always has a plan. Our job is just to trust 

So, just know that all you need is IN YOU. And know that I love you more than anything in the world… to the ends of it and back and round again a million times!

And Friday will soon be here!

I love you baby xxxxxxxx

I have read this letter several times post the race and every time I do, it reminds me that however I feel about me, I AM BLESSED by a wife that ALWAYS sees the BEST in me and loves me just for me.

So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room – What happened at the race and why has it knocked me so much?

I prepped well and I was in good shape, fired up and ready to smash it out of the park until a little thing called my period showed up early doors and to top it off it was 30 degrees at 7am! Sarah gave me some codeine, and I took my normal combo of anti-sick pills and Imodium then headed to the race. My nerves were high but nothing unusual there although I couldn’t shift the sick feeling I had in the pit of my stomach which I thought would lift as I begun racing.

The starters gun went, and I stuck to my plan on the swim and stayed wide, it was brutal and I got battered but we were all fierce competitors so not unexpected. What I didn’t expect to happen was to suddenly get stomach cramps and to start to feel sick and dizzy; I always pray when I race but I knew I needed the feeling to lift or I couldn’t continue and was grateful when God answered and at 750 metres I began to feel better and pipped people off in the second half of the race.

Now onto the bike leg where it was 8 laps around the lake, I was anxious about counting the laps correctly and this wasn’t helped as my Garmin had been hit so hard that it had stopped and my apple watch was showing calories not the bike distance. To top it off spectators weren’t allowed on the course so we couldn’t put our plan into place of Sarah yelling at me when it was the final lap. Consequently, throughout the race my anxiety levels were high, and I was so relieved to hit the last lap correctly and when I crossed the finish line I was absolutely spent with nothing left in the tank.

This where my world came crashing down, in one moment we thought I had qualified automatically for next years’ world championships in the next moment we realised another athlete coming into my age group had knocked me out of automatic qualification into a rolldown spot. I was done, I had given my all and although I knew that if I hadn’t been on my period the result would have been different I felt like I wasn’t good enough and was taken back to my teenage years when despite working my butt off my GCSE and A-Level results were not quite as high as I wanted or my parents wanted them to be. (To be clear as an adult I now know that they were sad as I put myself down but that doesn’t change my reaction). I felt that I had let down the people that believed in me and nothing could change that feeling even thought my wifey, parents and friends assured me that that wasn’t the case. In fact, Sarah pointed out that many people would have called in a day on the swim.

To be brutally honest I have struggled in that, despite my utter disappointment and failure, I felt that others were still proud of me. In fact my wife and my mum both told me separately later day that they loved me and were proud of all I did and my dad too. To be clear I still have a qualifying time but not an automatic spot and that wasn’t what I wanted.

So ,what have I learnt about me in this and what am I still learning about me?

1. I am my biggest critic.

2. I am just human and I am not invincible.

3. I get lose it just like everyone else.

4. I have an amazing support crew.

5. I am not defined by my place in a race.

6. It’s okay to not be okay.

7. I need time to recover.

8. I am loved

Over the last couple of weeks, I have struggled to get my mojo back and have little or no appetite and feel like I have been run over by a bus. However rather than stressing I am taking time to process and trying not to beat myself up for struggling. I love racing and in August I plan to go and get that qualification as well as finding my joy back. Racing is still my happy place and I won’t let one race define me.

Each day I still take time to see the positives and I am aware that in the last few months there have been lots of personal and work changes which have also caused me to struggle. I know in all things though that I have a God who is for me and an awesome support crew, so I will come back stronger. I have also found out that I have qualified for the sprint distance at next years’ worlds which is a sure sign that this girl STILL HAS IT!!