Anorexic to GBR triathlete

So, this is maybe one of the most honest blogs that I have written and it comes as a result of a challenge that one of my friends set me. Recently I have really struggled with my own self-worth and recent events have meant that racing has become the one place that I feel enough - much to the sadness of my wife who loves me for me and to her I am always enough. It’s hard as an athlete to take a step back and realise that you have value to people even if you don’t have a ‘Q’ and qualify for your country. My friend encouraged me to write a letter to myself outlining why I am more than a ‘Q’, she also added her own paragraph to it.. so here it is -

Hey you,

I just wanted to write you a letter to let you know that you are far more than a Q beside your name and that it doesn’t define WHO you ARE and it isn’t the only thing that makes you ENOUGH as even without it you are pretty AWESOME. 

Recently due to pressures outside of yourself and within yourself you have forgotten the passion that you have for a sport that you love and you have lost sight of how hard you work to compete at the standard that you do. You are no longer that lost and broken woman who didn’t know where to turn as everything was too hard and you were lost. You are wife, a successful businesswoman, an overcomer, a child of God, a friend and an athlete. You have fought so hard to be YOU so never lose sight of that.

I want to remind you that when you race you have far more to be proud of than just your placing, or a qualification spot. The moment the gun goes off you can be proud of the fact that you don’t quit, when battered in a swim you stay focused and don’t let that deter you – Dorney Lake qualifier was an example of that where you kept on trying to get through the women in front of you and even when it was hard you didn’t QUIT!

You have put hours of training in since you fell off your bike to not only overcome the fear of coming off again but honing your skill and turning it from your weak point to one of strength. No matter what happens you can always be proud of the fierce competitor you are in that area and how every time you see someone down it sends you into a spiral but you don’t let that hold you back from giving it your all!

Now let’s talk about the run and the battle of the mind that you have to overcome each and every time you hit that leg , the constant dialogue in your head that says ‘ I AM STRONG, I HAVE THIS, I AM NOT A QUITTER’, it’s hard when something that used to be your strength is now you Achilles heel, but you never QUIT! When your back is against the wall and you feel sick and on occasions slightly dizzy rather than pulling back you overcome the voice in your head that says you can’t and you press in and keep pushing – that takes strength and determination and shows how powerful you are!

No one other than you knows the sacrifices that you make to get up early, to put those hard sessions in when you just want to pull back, to set aside time to train when in the back of your head is the niggle that you could fit more clients in and earn more if you didn’t do that. People assume as training is so much part of you that it’s easy to be you but it isn’t as you are only human! It’s hard for you to train smart and not overtrain but you do it as you know it will be worth it!

On the flip side, can I remind you that it takes so much for you to taper your training to eat properly when everything within you is screaming not to and the anorexic voice in your head is shouting so loudly that in doing that you will become FAT! You choose to fight against that, to win the war and for that you should always be PROUD!

Alongside of that people don’t know the battle that goes on in your mind in the lead up to a race or the morning of it, when everything within you is screaming you are not good enough, what happens if you fall, what happens if you blow up, then how will you feel? The voice that says once again you will be a disappointment and failure, but despite that you get up, you show up and you let the REAL you shine through.

So can I remind you that you are LOVED, not judged, you are PRECIOUS, not useless, YOU ARE WORTH IT, not a reject and YOU ROCK. So in your darkest moments remember why you do this! You do it as you love it and you are good and it and its okay to say that. Don’t get so caught up in your fears baby girl that you forget how amazing you are and how far you have come. A ‘Q’ doesn’t define you… you are special without it!

Love me x

My friend’s add on -

I have one thing to add if I may: nice people have nice friends.  Which is shorthand for saying you have a tribe around you of strong, loving, compassionate women (and men) who turn up time and time again for you - why?  Because you are strong, loving and compassionate.  The Q is a ’nice to have’ but the woman that shows up every day to work towards that qualification; she’s the one we all want to know (Q or not).