Anorexic to GBR Triathlete

THE AFTERMATH

So, I had prepared myself I thought for the inevitable post-race crash, but I hadn’t expected the curve balls that would be thrown in our path as soon as we landed back in the UK a week later.  You can prepare for the expected, but the unexpected can pull the rug from under your feet and leave you vulnerable and fragile.

The Tuesday after the race my parents returned to the UK, whilst Sarah and I moved to a smaller apartment and stayed for a few more days. This was meant to be proper downtime - unfortunately my wife wasn’t very well, a mixture of anxiety and a flare up of an inflamed stomach. So, we were rather relieved to land back in the. UK, but this was short lived relief!

On the Monday, we had a lovely day with my grandparents and my parents reminiscing on the whirlwind that was the World Championships. Things quickly changed when later we found out that one of Sarah’s close friends and a friend of mine had died unexpectedly at 52 years old of a blood clot, following an operation to repair a broken ankle that happened on the last day of her holiday in Crete. My wife was broken and just cried, I was numb and taken back to a memory of my nan dying the same way; some memories are not pleasant to relive!

It was one of those moments in life when the world stops and you realise how fragile life is. Dawn was a member of Sarah’s Slimming World group, so not only did we have to deal with our own grief but help others to overcome theirs too. She was an amazing lady, a bubbly character, determined and fit, her philosophy in life was – ‘Never give up. Never give in’.

As we travelled back to Norfolk, we were both quiet, shell shocked and aware that the next few days, we would be facing challenges that we hadn’t expected. I was speaking in all Sarah’s Slimming World Groups that week about my own personal journey from Anorexic to GBR triathlete. I am okay with being vulnerable behind a blog and newsletter, but face to face is a whole other ball game and way out of my comfort zone. I was also aware that amid people’s grief I was there to uplift, encourage and remind them that all things are possible and that a bad day doesn’t have to be a bad week, month, year!

That Tuesday night in group is one that I will never forget, I was immensely proud of my wife who handled each group with sensitivity and a care for each member. Personally, I took a deep breath and talked from my heart - being open and honest isn’t comfortable, but if I can bring hope to one person then it is worth it! I was blown away by the feedback I received and encouraged at people’s responses. You see people are at Slimming World because they need to lose weight, but their battle to not overeat and binge is as hard as mine to stay on track, to not overtrain and to eat enough!

To add more anxiety and stress to our return to Norfolk, that same Tuesday we found out that Sarah’s mum had to go into hospital the following Tuesday to have her heart stopped and restarted to improve her breathing. At 52, it’s the first time Sarah heard her mum say she was scared - in all honesty so we were as she has several underlying health problems. That night we held each other a little tighter and chose to believe God that He had it all and could carry it for us as we were struggling! I also cancelled clients for the rest of the week as I knew I needed time for self-care and clients deserve the best from me, not the dregs. We need to recognise on occasions that WE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY, there is only one of us and we need to look after it.

At this point I want to apologise for having been so quiet since coming back, but I have been having a few struggles of my own and have found it difficult to have the energy to get through each day. To be brutally honest, I have wanted to stay in bed, hide away from the world and not face anybody. With a people facing job, this isn’t a good mindset to be in! It’s a good job that I have perfected the mask over so many years as its certainly helped me show up to coach and fix people.

Why the reason for the crash you may ask? The underlying cause behind it is still unresolved and is a sensitive matter, so I will just say that honesty, integrity and truth are so important to me. I spent so many years unable to be myself - in a box due to living with an abusive husband - where I constantly had to watch what I said and not slip up. I lost friends, a business and a home to fight to be me and currently I am in a position where once again unless conflict is fixed, I find myself back in that place. When your character is undermined and directly attacked it’s hard to find peace and calm. It’s harder too when you know you can do nothing more but hope that things will turn around.

I have learnt several things in the past few weeks though. Firstly, that my wife always has my back, that she will never put me in a place that I feel uncomfortable, that she will always protect and defend me and that she loves me so much. Secondly, I have a group of amazing friends that are helping me realise that it’s okay to not always be okay and that they will always be there to pick me up when I fall. Thirdly that I have a God of miracles that is always in my corner fighting for me and He has me in all things. Lastly, I maybe struggling with food and training, but I have an awesome support crew that mean I will never go where I have gone before, that I am strong, determined and able to win the battle.

On Saturday teaching spin, there was a moment when teaching the second hill track, that I felt something break and I FINALLY FELT BACK IN THE ROOM! I am not sure the class were so grateful of that fact as it resulted in a brutal but awesome rest of the class. What changed at that point? I realised WHO I WAS, I chose to BELIEVE IN ME, to FIGHT for me and to LIFT UP MY HEAD! I may still be broken, but I am not down and out! We always have a choice; to stay where we are or take a step forward. I have learnt that to do that it’s okay to let it go, to let it out and then re-group!

WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU, NEVER BE SCARED TO BE YOU, TO BE HONEST, TO BE VULNERABLE AS IN THAT PLACE YOU WILL COME OUT STRONGER!!