Anorexic to GBR triathlete

Taking time out

So apologies for missing a couple of weeks but I have been taking some well needed downtime with Sarah ahead of what is going to be a crazy next 6 months with lots of changes and challenges in it. For once I decided that meant not looking at my diary, clients’ messages or blog writing as we desperately needed time away from it all. Now I am back I want to share the highs and lows of downtime and then heading straight back into a crazy work schedule.

Firstly, our holiday didn’t start with me in the best headspace, I was exhausted, over emotional and struggling with the fact that instead of our normal break away in the sun we were house sitting my mum and dad’s because financially we couldn’t afford it. That’s hard when you work long hours, but I am also aware that we were blessed to be able to get away at all. Our first day off we arrived in Essex to the rain and cold and I couldn’t hide how low I felt – poor Sarah not the ideal way to start a break with your wife. Thankfully she knows me well and sent me out on a walk to clear my head and after a good night’s sleep I was feeling so much better. I realised that night that all I needed was Sarah and whenever she is I am happy and home.

Whilst off, in true Charlie style, I booked a couple of races one in Eastbourne and the other in Windsor and I have to tell you I loved both races as there was no pressure and my number 1 cheerleader was right there. We also used these as mini breaks and in Eastbourne we discovered where the locals hung out – the local Wetherspoons - and were blessed with a lovely little apartment that we plan to stay in again. We also discovered that getting a Deliveroo delivery from Morrisons was a mistake as it took 90 minutes! Not exactly the quickest delivery ever!

In Windsor we were joined by my bestie, parents and another one of our awesome friends. Last year I had got so anxious about this race as it was a qualifier for this year’s worlds that the day before I was throwing up and nearly didn’t make the race at all so I wanted to go back and actually enjoy the course with no pressure. I think I was probably more shocked than anyone when I finished 5/115 women and 36/320 men, you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. It seems Windsor maybe a 4am start but last year I qualified and this year I smashed my target of top 10 and I felt chuffed with myself which is huge for me. I think sometimes I can get so caught up in the ‘Q’ that I forget why I started Triathlons and that’s because I love them – these races were a reminder of that for me.

So, whilst off I learnt a few things –

1. All I need is time with Sarah for the world to be okay. I am so blessed that through the highs and lows we have each other and being away made us both realise that we MUST make TIME for us, as when we have time to communicate and hangout we can conquer anything in front of us.

2. I can manage to cope without hitting the exercise rings and calories I have set on my watch without self-combusting, gaining weight or losing my rag with anyone.

3. On occasions the constant battle in my mind over food and how much I consume and whether I deserve it all or not, can be quietened down as I relax.

4. I can race hard and race well if I taper correctly and focus on enjoying it rather than placing pressure on myself to perform.

5. The business will still be there but parking it for headspace is healthy and something I should practice more often.

6. That the future maybe different from the past but it’s going to be okay as we are both moving forward into place where we can both thrive and that, yes we will need to work out a new way to do life but it’s going to be OKAY!

I think I get used to living life so much in the fast lane that I forget how to switch off and I certainly havent perfected it but I am a work in progress. I don’t think either of us realised how exhausted we were and we both enjoyed our sleep! The joys of alarms this week have certainly not been a highlight of returning to work and already I miss the morning cuddles and cups of tea in bed. We were blessed last week though to sneak in a cheeky 36 hours of time just for us two by the sea celebrating our 3 year wedding anniversary and I am holding onto those moments as I am lucky to have found my one and it’s certainly been an adventure and I am looking forward to more adventures together.

Now here is where I am going to be brutally honest with you – as much as I love my job this week I have gone from being at the top of the cliff to falling off it and trying to swim. I realise that whilst off, I have parked how overwhelmed I feel about the changes that are coming -  

1. Sarah is going to be away quite a lot in the next few months and that unsettles me as she means so much and I MISS her now we’re not working together let alone her not being here.

2. The business is going to be different without her there and although it’s positive suddenly something that was ours is now mine to carry and run with and that can feel quite a task at times.

3. I am feeling overwhelmed by the rest of the race season as I have some big races coming up and Sarah will be away in the lead up to some of them and she is the one that gives me pep talks and helps me not to lose it.

4. The rings have come back with force and I am fighting to remind myself that I am training to race not to hit a calorie number.

5. Food is not the easiest when I am not in a great place so it becomes an added pressure.

However last night Sarah and I chatted and she helped me realise that all is going to be good, that although it feels a lot right now the future ahead of us is the brightest it has been and that I am not a failure for struggling, just normal. She encouraged me to see the things I am good at and how awesome and I am and promised me that are in this together! I needed to know that.

Today I had coffee with a friend who just let me talk and talk and when I said she must be judging me for being so down at the moment she smiled and said – ‘no judgement here’. What she did do though was set me a little challenge to each day morning and night to write down three things I was grateful for. To lift my focus from my worries and instead focus on the positives of which there are many.

Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay, but amid that if we just look up our own circumstances might not change but our mindset towards them can. I am my own worst critic and that can be my downfall, I judge myself far harsher than anyone else and that can leave me in a mess. So for the rest of this week and next I am going to take up my friend’s challenge and chose to look up not down as quite frankly I am depressing myself. So can I encourage you to do the same and let’s see how our outlooks change in the next week.