Anorexic to GBR triatlete

Trying to bounce back!

So I want to start this week’s blog with a quote that one of my friends shared with me –

SLOW DOWN. CALM DOWN. DON’T WORRY. DON’T HURRY. TRUST THE PROCESS. TRUST YOURSELF.

This completely resonated with me as I have found myself striving to do all I can to get the fighting me back, stressing about the fact that it’s not been as easy to bounce back as I would like and panicking that I am not where I want to be. During this doing I have forgotten just to BE, wrapped up instead with trying to fit in training, work, rehabbing an ankle injury, time with wifey, friends and family and getting my head ready for a busy few weeks of competitions.

Even listing it all down is quite overwhelming and I wonder why I have found myself tired and a little emotional. I also realised that instead of sitting down and processing why my last race knocked me so much I have been running away from it. I haven’t wanted to acknowledge that it took away my confidence and joy for a sport I love and left me feeling quite fragile and Charlie doesn’t like to admit that – I don’t think any of us do like to face our demons and fears as it means that we have to deal with them or let them still consume us.

Amid this I have had to make some tough decisions about the World Championships in Australia at the end of the season. I have been working my butt off for these championships most of the year and last year qualifying for them cost me emotionally and physically. Before the sprint qualifier in Windsor last year I was physically sick with nerves and how I got on the start line was literally a miracle thanks to an awesome support crew and lots of prayers. I cannot put into words the emotions I felt knowing that despite the lead up to it I went out there and qualified. In conjunction with that wifey and I took a quick trip to Upton where I took part in my first ever Aquabike and again I qualified for the team, something I wasn’t expecting.

However most of the season I have felt like Australia was a weight hanging around my neck and have been anxiously trying to raise funds through hosting sponsorship events and contacting local businesses. Sadly I had to sit down and look at the harsh reality that despite my best efforts and those around me financially it just wasn’t adding up.

I have felt a huge pressure to act with integrity and use peoples fundraising money properly and have been so desperate to qualify for next year so it can go towards next year’s world championships that I have nearly broken myself. I have realised that in my head other people’s expectations have become overwhelming and hard to cope with, when all anyone wants me to be is the BEST me and they don’t see me as a failure if I don’t always place or qualify, that is the expectation that I put on myself.

I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I knew I had qualified for next years world championships sprint race. I felt that it freed me up to make the correct decision and that was to withdraw from Australia and instead go all in for next year and smash out the rest of the season. Sending off that email was one of the hardest things I have done as its meant giving up something I have worked so hard for and an event that I love being part of. I know that often the hardest decisions are the right ones, and I must remind myself that it’s not because I am not good enough – but financially it is impossible.

So instead, I am going to finish the season by giving it my all to qualify for next year’s European Championships in the Sprint distance and the World Aquabike event to combine with my sprint place. I am also going to have fun with my mates racing at the London Triathlon this weekend and get my joy BACK, ahead of the aquabike qualifier the following weekend.

In September I am ending the season at the Rutland evening triathlon, where I am going to party and celebrate the end of the season with my bestie, parents and my wifey. This is fitting as they have been there through the highs and lows this season and have picked me up when I have fallen.

Over the last week I have taken time to sit and be, time to write, time to breathe and time to get my race head back into gear as well as looking at all I have already achieved this year not just in my races, but in taking over the business and moving it forward on my own. I have taken a moment to reflect on why I doubt myself and taken steps to daily look at the positives.

I am looking forward to time off for my birthday next week as well as focusing on the two races ahead of me. In all honesty I am still struggling to keep my eating on track, but instead of stressing I am taking it day by day and breaking it down into segments and trusting myself that I will never go back from where I have come from as I have come too far and I have too much to lose. I am accepting that we all have our battles and this is mine, but I will not let it define WHO I am as I am bigger and stronger than the hold it has over me.

At times we all need to take time out to STOP and allow ourselves to be honest with where we are at. That isn’t a sign of weakness but of strength, it’s okay to say NO on occasions and take time for us. Sarah and I are learning in both our new roles that we need to make time just for us as together we are stronger and she will always be my favourite person to hang out with and when we don’t get time together we both struggle to be the BEST version of ourselves.

So am I fully back to where I was? NO!

I am on a journey to get there though and I am focusing on the future. The difficult decisions have now been made so its time to move forward and get my fight BACK! To stop worrying and TRUST the next steps – something I think we all need to learn to do.

Bring on the bounce back!