Anorexic to triathlete

So what happens when the wheels come off and the negative voices start to outweigh the positive ones?  The last week has been a real test and I am not going to lie, at times I have lost the battle in the head and instead the old demons have won instead. It’s felt like walking through sinking sand, where trying to stay above ground and breathe has at times felt impossible.

What triggered such a tough time, you may ask? That is a question I can answer for you. After competing in the World Aquabike qualifier for next year, I went from the ultimate high of qualifying to the bottom of the pit, as I swallowed some dodgy water, which made me really unwell. I ended up in bed from early Monday evening and although I was still poorly, the joys of being self-employed meant I had to work on Tuesday and the rest of the week.

The following few days were difficult as I was unable to train properly or eat as everything gave me stomach cramps and made me feel sick. Lucozade quickly became my best friend and food the enemy – not ideal for someone with my mindset. I found myself in a negative spiral and was reminded how poorly I used to be, which was far from comfortable, albeit a little scary.

By Thursday my wife was upset as I had lost weight (not that I weigh!), to her I looked too skinny and gaunt. The irony of this, is that on the flip side I felt, bloated, fat and at a loss. I think we all know who was right about how looked! I just had to try to keep myself together and win the internal battle in my mind.

Here I am nearly a week on and still struggling to get myself fully back on track, but I have put some steps in place to make sure that I continue to move forward, not backwards. Firstly, my wife and I have talked about her concerns and instead of shutting down I have chosen to listen and take her comments on board. Number 2, I have made myself accountable to a friend and am sending pictures of everything I eat.  I can tell you now, they will not let me off the hook and know how hard I train. Thirdly, I have put my stubborn head on and forced myself to not listen to the chatter going on in my brain, but to listen to my PT head and eat even when I haven’t wanted to!

Is this week proving to be a challenge, hell yes! However, I am choosing to win the battle and fight to be the athlete that I am now. I also have the London Triathlon this weekend and that is a big driver, as I want to do well and beat last years’ time. I know unless I look after me, I can’t do that, and I will be disappointed in myself. That itself is enough to give me the motivation that I need to pull myself up and get back on the right path.

So, what am I learning this week? I am learning that I am stronger than the demons that used to have a hold over me. I am aware of how key a network of support is, and that accountability can be uncomfortable, but at the end of the day it’s for my benefit. I have been able to push myself physically as I am properly fuelled – in fact I have just finished a run, where I have been able to push myself to the max and finally got some good splits. I am realising that I am tougher than I think I am as well as learning to trust the voices around me that have my best interests at heart.

Does this mean that I am fully back on track, am I mentally and physically where I want to be? Currently I am 80% there, but that’s okay as its closer to 100% than last week! Each positive decision is a step in the right direction. No one said that this journey would be easy, in fact it’s a constant rollercoaster with its twists and turns. However, by choosing to stay onboard and ride the journey and not check out, I continue to grow as a person and an athlete.

This Sunday when I get on the start line of the London Triathlon, I am going to be there knowing I have given myself the best opportunity to compete well, that I have prepared well, that I have chosen to step out of the comfort zone and instead focus on the end game. When I cross the line, I will know that whatever the result I have left it all out there and I can be proud of me, as I have won my own battle.

In life it’s so easy to put a front on, to wear a mask and allow no one in. I have perfected my mask and it’s hard for me to let it down, to let the real me be seen, warts and all. However, I am blessed by people that I now have in my world that I can let it slip at times and a wife that knows me better than I know myself.

This weeks advice is, when the wheels start to come off, find your crew and allow them to help you put them back on again and enable you to be the BEST version of yourself!