Anorexic to triathlete

SINK, SWIM OR FLOAT, THAT IS THE QUESTION!

So sometimes on this journey it feels like I am sinking, at other times like I am floating and on other occasions I am swimming. In fact, in a week, I can move between all three depending on the circumstances that I find myself in and how mentally I am feeling. External and internal factors affect all of us and for me they directly impact my eating and training patterns.

Let’s take this week for example –

My wife and I have had a few obstacles that have caused us stress and upset, at times it has felt like there is no way to clamber over these and this has directly impacted us, but in different ways. In these moments Sarah’s default is to comfort eat and drink, mine is to train my butt off, eat little and hit the survival button. To go within myself and bottle my emotions up, which has led to anxiety and a sense of sinking.

I am learning that it’s okay to sink, when you can recognise it as sinking you can reassess and decide to start to float. It’s an act of will, but instead of beating myself up I am learning to breathe and trust the process. We all have tough days, that is part of life, but how we bounce back from them is important.

This week I moved from sinking to floating, as I chose to step out of my comfort zone and make changes to help me move forward. Firstly, Sarah and I hugged each other, reminded ourselves that we were in this together and determined to stand strong as a couple. Secondly, we confided in people that could encourage and help us, we chose to be honest and to allow them to support us, rather than trying to hold it all together. Thirdly we both made changes as an act of will to get back on track and start swimming.

Yesterday we had a breakthrough that lifted a massive pressure off both of our shoulders and moved us from floating to swimming. We chose to look up and focus forward, to recognise the battles we have already won and taken a step to smash the rest of the week out of the park. It’s not been easy and a times it felt impossible, but the word itself says, ‘I AM POSSIBLE’! As Christian’s we are grateful that we have a God who is for us and who promises us hope and a good future.

GETTING PUSHED OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE –

So, amidst this I have been well and truly kicked out of my comfort zone. This week an article in our local daily and evening paper was printed about me and my journey from anorexic to GBR triathlete. It was written to help raise my profile and to encourage support from local businesses to fund me as an athlete.

What I hadn’t really got my head around, was that it was going to be a feature across two pages as one of their main articles. I had a moment of sheer panic, when on Monday I realised that suddenly my story would become public, and people would have an insight into my own personal journey. As someone that struggles with being vulnerable, writing this newsletter has been hard, but part of the reason I am able to be honest is that I don’t have to people face, I can pour my heart out and send it without feeling the centre of people’s attention.

This feature is completely the opposite to this, there are several pictures of me in it and there is no hiding behind that, no time to put on a mask and no time to unwrite those words. It left me feeling exposed, but at the same time proud of how far I have come. It makes it clear that each day is a choice, that every day I make a choice to be well.

After taking a breath, sending a voice memo to a trusted friend and speaking to my wife, I felt calmer and have been blown away by the response it received. I am realising more and more that our mess is our message, that our own struggles can help people to overcome their own battles, that being honest frees others to open up.

My default this week has been to want to overtrain, to push myself to smash the daily calorie goal on my watch and reduce my eating. Each morning and throughout the day I have had to talk myself through each moment, to food prep well, to stay accountable and to set myself targets that are linked to me as a triathlete, and not let the anorexic head win.

It's not been easy mentally, emotionally or physically, but I have won the battle so far and for that I am chuffed with myself. The mask to the outside world is still firmly on, but I have people that I trust, that I can let it slip off for and allow them into my headspace. Being honest and open is scary, being vulnerable is a challenge, choosing to trust others is a challenge, but so is being closed, withdrawn and self-absorbed.

This week I have gone from sinking, to floating and finally swimming. This week I am proud of me and this week I have won the war in my mind. I maybe battered and bruised, but I am still standing, still fighting and moving forward and that’s what counts.