Anorexic to triathlete

So let’s rewind to near the beginning, when in the depths of anorexia I still had a determination and a desire to be a success. I have always been a tough cookie, my wife and parents will tell you that ‘I have always been demanding of myself’ that I never stop trying and I won’t quit.

 In those early days I didn’t initially realise how seriously poorly I was, I was just trying to manage grieving for my nan as well as helping to look after my grandad, who had developed Leukaemia through the shock of losing his wife so suddenly. My nan was only in her 60’s and died suddenly due to thrombosis, which shifted and went straight to her heart.  She was a larger woman, wearing at least a size 26 and part of me will always wonder if she had been smaller if doctors would have caught it instead of assuming she was not feeling 100% due to a virus causing her to ache.

Looking back, that was a key turning point for me as subconsciously I linked being big with her death and never wanted to go there myself. In all honesty I still struggle with that fear today and at times I need to take a breath and remind myself that I am healthy, fit and strong, which is a good place to be. I am also aware that at my worst I was not in a good place, and I am blessed that I am still here.

In those early days it wasn’t easy to cover up the weight I was losing, and I quickly realised that baggy clothes were the way to go. I was also extremely hard working, pushing myself to my limits academically as well as physically. No matter what those around me said I was critical of my achievements and rarely took the compliments but was driven to keep being better and setting myself bigger goals to achieve.

To this day I remember how gutted I was that I got ABC in my A-Levels instead of the AAB I was expecting. Never once did I pat myself on the back and realise that in the circumstances that was awesome, I mean in one exam I completely zoned out as so deprived of food! In hindsight it’s amazing I managed to complete these exams at all and an older wiser me can now tell the younger me that I should be proud of myself.

So, when the going gets tough, my default has always been to dig deep, zone out and focus. This is something I am working on, and I have an awesome support crew that pull me up short and challenge me when I push too hard. My wife will be the first person to ensure that I stay on the straight and narrow. As a fellow PT she constantly confronts my desire to overtrain and reminds me of my current goals. At times I push against her, but ultimately, she wins! I am learning slowly but surely that listening to advice is important or I risk going backwards not forwards. This battle against myself is something that in the future I would like to have conquered.

One thing I am realising through this process is that I must establish new mindsets and new ways to look at things, to ensure that, ‘I am enough!’. It’s important that when the going gets tough, that my default to keep pushing at all costs, is tempered so I emotionally, physically and mentally I don’t destroy myself and constantly feel like I am not good enough!

Years ago, I had my first tattoo on my back, which is a cross and beneath it the words, ‘Child of God’, as to me that is the core of my being. Those words in themselves say, ‘I am awesome, unique and valued’. Someone recently challenged me on my perception of myself and made me realise that if that’s my belief, then I needed to start to listen to it. That in those moments that I ‘Don’t feel good enough’, I need to choose to refocus and believe that I am!

I can tell you that’s easier said than done! Often, it’s an act of will to take a breath and verbally tell myself that I am successful, strong, determined, a good athlete, fab wife and business woman. In the tough moments I actively must choose to shut down the anorexic, negative voice and choose the positive one instead. I am not always successful at this, but I am way better than I used to be and for that I am proud of myself.