Anorexic to triathlete

So here we are post-race week and coming off the back of a really difficult time for me. Many have asked what happened on Sunday? How did you do? How did you feel?  Were you happy? Does it set you up for the Worlds? How do you feel about a few weeks off racing?

 So many questions and so many different emotions, especially as many don’t know the battle that I have had emotionally to get to last Sunday. Be under no illusion, writing this newsletter is one of the hardest things I have done as it pushes me to be honest and up-front, where my comfort zone for years still is to be private and to shut down.

So, lets answer some of the questions that have been thrown at me….

How did you do? I absolutely smashed it! I was 5^th out of 252 female competitors and 48^th out of 757 competitors. I also beat my current PB at London by 8 mins and loved every minute.

How did I feel? Completely overwhelmed, gobsmacked and at the same time chuffed that all the early alarm calls and sessions when I haven’t felt like it have paid off. I felt that I was enough and that was an amazing feeling as I feel like an imposter so much.

Were you happy? So happy, but not just for me, but my wife that despite a meniscus tear that has held her back for nearly a year, completed the cycle leg as part of a relay team. Sam, her partner in crime, couldn’t walk when she came to see me after shattering her ankle 10 weeks ago, but she nailed the swim and run legs. Then Kerry knocked it out of the park completing only her second sprint tri and 4^th tri on her own. When I started to train her a few years ago, all she wanted to do was do her bra up following breaking her shoulder. Each of these women nailed it and made me proud and highlighted why I love my job so much.

Does it set you up for the Worlds? Hell yes! It made me realise that I deserve my place and that actually I may not be the imposter that I so often feel that I am. The run gave me back some confidence in my ability in this leg of the triathlon, as I have struggled with it, but on Sunday it felt good.

How do I feel about a few weeks off racing? I feel relieved - physically, mentally and emotionally I need space to breathe. Time to be, time to reset and get myself ready for October. To avoid burnout, I need to take a step back; to re-group and get my head in gear for the next chapter. London was awesome and that gives me the base I need to push forward and ground myself for the next round of races.

I have also had time this week to sit and look at how far I have come. My past hasn’t been an easy one and something I will explain more later, but for now I will tell a little bit of my history and how I ended up here.

I live in Norfolk with my wife having left my family in Essex for a very good reason. Back in 2009 I had to escape an abusive marriage, whilst I still could. Even now I have shut much of that time in a box as its too painful to go there, but I am now at a place where slowly I am beginning to unpack it, as I have the capacity to do so from a position of strength. I am a firm believer that our mess becomes our message and in understanding it we can help others.

I am so grateful that my family and church supported me in this. I have known what it is like to have nothing, I left Essex with a car full of my possessions and lived with a friend to be free. I gave up my job and my business to start again and it was brutal. I spent nights walking the streets as I didn’t really care what happened to me, I had many arguments with God and my whole lifestyle was unhealthy and I felt out of control. I even took up smoking for 3 months – I was rubbish at it, but it reflected how messed up I was at that time.

My husband massively contributed to my eating disorder, as he always wanted to be me, chasing every dream I had for myself as his own. He stripped me of my identity and left me in a place where I was fearful of my own space, where even a few hours on my own were scary, where I had no idea how to be, I couldn’t even pair socks together as the anxiety was so bad. His way of helping was to not eat himself, drink too much and following a mental breakdown the abuse started. Any self-esteem I did have was quickly squashed and I spent most of my days in survival mode.

When I look back, I am so grateful for where I am now. Sometimes it’s not easy, but I will never go back to where I have come from. The journey is never an easy one, but we must hold onto our vison and not let it be stolen from us. In the highs and lows we need to remember WHO we are and in my case WHOSE I am – A CHILD OF GOD! It is knowing that, that I can keep pushing forward.

Life has thrown its worst at me and currently each day is a battle, but one I am determined to keep winning. In the good days and bad, never lose sight of how amazing you are! Find your crew and you can conquer anything!

I know that nothing is impossible. If you had told the broken me, when I arrived in Norwich, that 15 years later I would have a business, be happily married, actively involved in Church and be a GBR triathlete, I would have laughed at you. I would have been defensive and dismissive of you, as I was too low to see a positive future.

So, in answer to my initial question – Where do I stand this week?

I stand a little taller, I am still not where I want to be and I have to daily make a choice to be well, but I am proud of myself for keeping on pressing forward and I am determined that its onwards and upwards!