Anorexic to Triathlete

FACING THE PAST TO MOVE FORWARD IN THE FUTURE

So, I touched earlier on in my newsletter about how I arrived in Norwich, to escape from an abusive marriage. At the time I moved in with a friend and her son - the only thing I had of home was a case with some clothes, a few special ornaments and my car. It was, in hindsight, more traumatic than I could admit at the time. I left my job, business and family to start afresh, I was only 29 years old and had been with Barry since I was 16.

I remember days where I would wander around the streets in the middle of the night, not really caring what happened to me. I spent a lot of time asking God – Why me? Why did it have to come to this? Was there really a future for a broken me? Did He really love me? Would everything be, okay? I was scared, lost and my eating was rubbish and at the time I used alcohol to forget everything, it was the only time I could breathe and allow myself to feel.

You may wonder why I am choosing to write about this now? What is the relevance for it? Why am I choosing to go back, when looking forward is more important? Does it affect the here and now? In answer to these questions, when I started writing this newsletter, I promised myself that I would be honest, that I would actively choose to write about the stuff that affects me, to help others.

Having time off has given me space to breathe and recognise mountains that I need to face and move over, to become the best version of me, professionally and personally. I have also realised that many of my negative thought patterns began when I lost me, amid abuse. Even now, I struggle to trust and be open with people, my default is to mask up, shut down and hold back. Being honest is a scary place and I am learning that for many years I have used food to control my emotions rather than sitting with them and allowing me to feel.

Over the past week Sarah and I have chatted about how our past can define our future, unless we choose for it not to. So many of us sit at the bottom of mountains we have put up and it stops us from being all we can be. Although it may be uncomfortable, choosing instead to tackle them head on, breaking them down step by step is healthy and can leave us feeling lighter and freer.

For anyone that has experienced abuse, it’s a scary and horrible place to be. It can leave you wondering what you did wrong? For me, it left me doubting my every thought and feeling; how could I get it so wrong to fall in love and marry someone so abusive? Surely, I was the screw up? It left me scared to trust and clouded my judgement of people, at the same time it reaffirmed to me that eating and controlling that and my weight was my only safe space.

This week I was interviewed by an online TV podcast programme and as I spoke to them and told my story, I began to realise how far I have come. How my mess is becoming my message. The interviewer asked me, what is it that gets me up in the morning? What has given me the determination and drive to overcome so much negativity? It was certainly a challenging question, and I had to take a breath before I answered.

In that moment I realised a few things…

1. Without my faith, I would be without hope. I have confidence that in all things God has a plan and future for me that is good and His will is to prosper me.

2. I am not a quitter; you tell me I can’t do something, and I will prove that I can!

3. Helping others to achieve and overcome their own fears is what gets me up every day

4. As a survivor of abuse and eating disorders, I will always choose life and will always dig deep to fight to be free.

5. My family always encouraged me to keep on pushing and believing that I can do it; as a child I was always determined and I know that has held me in good stead.

I have begun this week and continued to walk through it with a knowledge that what is in front of me is so much more than I ever thought it could be. I am deciding to shut down the negative voices, to seek wise counsel and begin to move forward one step at a time. Sometimes we need to focus on what we have learnt and use it to our advantage.

One thing is currently apparent to me, I may not be where I want to be yet, but I am way further ahead than I was. I have a passion to help others achieve their potential and as a business woman, wife and individual I know after taking time out that I have to choose to keep overcoming my mountains to help others overcome theirs.

Life isn’t always easy, but how we decide to fight our hard, determines our success. So this week my challenge to you is to find people that can help you move past your own mountains and support you to be the best you that you can be.