Another week, another challenge!

So coming to the here and now for a moment, to bring reality to the present me.

In the past few weeks, I have had race after race and my anxiety levels have been pushed to the max. In fact, a few weeks ago before a world qualifier I was laying on the floor being sick, as I was so scared of letting me and everyone else down.

However, my wife and friends got me to the point that I could travel and race as they believed in me when I didn’t. Imposter syndrome is real and I always feel like I don’t belong, that I am not good enough when it comes to races. Even though the results may say otherwise.  

When fear takes hold its hard to see reality, it’s hard to take a breath and see the truth. As a Christian I know that God holds the past, present and future, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like I don’t belong, that I am not as capable as everyone else, that I feel a failure at times, as I am only human.

What have I learnt from these weeks? I have learnt that I have amazing friends and a wife who have me. I have learnt that I am better than I think I am, as I have qualified for the world age group sprint triathlon, and I have a qualifying time for the standard European age group championships. I have also realised that I am my biggest critic, my biggest judge, in my eyes I am never good enough.

So in the light of this, the questions are - Have I got my eating sussed? Is it okay pre and post-race? Have I nailed it down on race day? Am I comfortable with the tapering process? Am I the best me either side of a race? The answer is-NO! I don’t have any of the above nailed, but I do have grit and determination.

I have an amazing group of friends and a wife that gets me and most importantly believes In me. I have a training buddy that knows me better than I know myself and family that hold me up. I also have a plan that I have put in place with help to ensure that despite my feelings, I do fuel properly, I do taper, and I do put my best foot forward. Sometimes its uncomfortable and moments can become overwhelming, but in those times, I fix my eyes on the goal and by taking it a step at a time and being honest about my emotions I can do what I need to, to succeed.

One thing I am currently learning is that It’s important to not beat myself up on those days that things don’t go to plan, instead to draw a line in the sand and move on. Too often we can become paralysed in the moment and look at where we think we have failed, ignoring what we have achieved. Instead, it’s important to take a step back, look at what has gone well and move our focus from the negative to positive. In doing that we keep moving forward and get closer to our end goal.

For me that is to continue to get fitter, stronger and mentally more resilient, to see my worth and begin to believe that, ‘I am good enough’. To continue improving as a triathlete and to make changes where I need to in order to continue to get better.